RIP Daddy

I have been considering my thoughts about this particular blog post to be selfish or self-seeking so I kept stopping myself from writing it. I try very hard to analyze my own motives in an effort to refrain from self-righteous and selfish behavior. Even as I write these words, I ask the Holy Spirit to guide me so I don’t gain from them any pity from my readers who’s big hearts may be drawn to feeling sorry for me. However, I feel led to share my very real thoughts and emotions over the circumstances I now find myself in the midst of. I knew it was coming I watched as it drew closer and closer. I allowed myself to feel hope and I wouldn’t allow myself to dwell on any possibility that could shatter the hope within me, so I had every opportunity to prepare myself for what I knew was going to happen but instead I refuse to face it. Then ready or not the inevitable took its rightful place and here I am in a kind of dream-like state of all-consuming disbelief and in the in-escapable knowing, I think it’s almost like shock yet I am cognitively and rationally still very much here. I know God’s Word says, 1 Thessalonians 4:13 but we do not want you to be uninformed, Brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. I have not lost hope and I’m not angry. I don’t feel like a victim of life’s hardships. Still I ask myself, what’s wrong with you? Everybody goes through this at some point in their lives. And it’s not like it was a shock or surprise, he was 79 years old after all and because of his heart he already lived long past the doctors estimates. I guess even those who are given time to prepare for this, still find they were not prepared or ready when the time finally came. Not long ago I was sitting by his bedside and he said to me, “please don’t be mad or hate me because I don’t want to be here anymore”. I was shocked to hear such words from the man I considered to be strong, proud, honest, rock solid and unbreakable. He couldn’t wait to meet Jesus he said. I smiled at him and said, “Daddy I couldn’t be mad or hate you for that, if I had a choice I would rather be in heaven with Jesus too”. They say it’s rather common for girls to be daddy’s girls. As common as daddy’s girls may be, I wonder if every daddy’s girl feels as though they are the exceptionally rare kind of daddy’s girls? I want to say, “no you don’t understand, I’m not the average daddy’s girl, it’s much, much, more than that, so much more special. There is no statistic for the special bond that daddy and I had. Daddy was my mentor, my safe place, my protector, my wise counsel, my most honest critic, my disciplinary, my preacher, my hero and my friend. He taught me how to defend myself, he always went to battle for me when an authority over me wouldn’t listen. Like the time he told the school principal and school counselor to put boxing gloves on me and the girl who had been harassing me for over a year and then put us in the gym until we work out our differences. Speechless at first, one finally spoke up and said we can’t do that Mr. Anderson! In which my dad replied then don’t call me when my daughter kicks that girl’s butt in self-defense! He told them he would guarantee that his daughter wouldn’t start the fight but she had better finish it and he didn’t want to hear a thing from the school about it. He taught me on the way home that most the fight was in the mind so I needed to intimidate her by staring her down while putting down my books slowly taking off my jacket my watch my rings etc. wait until she came at me and then take her down. He was absolutely right and it just so happened that so many had seen the fight, not one person picked on me the rest of that year. Another time my science teacher wouldn’t let me bring my Bible to class to show there is another view on how we all came into existence. I told him I believe in creation and won’t answer test questions or write essay stating evolution is fact. He said he would have to flunk me. My dad agreed with my viewpoint so once again he went to school. This time I didn’t get to hear what my dad had to say but I was told my Bible is welcome in class and we would also look at creation as a possibility of how we came to exist. I remember growing up bragging about having the coolest dad in the world. Until high school anyway. Once I hit 13 I didn’t think anyone understood me. Boy did I put my parents through some heartaches. A stage in my life I am not proud of. I never thought I knew everything or even more than my parents. I knew my parents were wise and experienced I just didn’t think they understood me at all. They sure tried, oh how I hated disappointing dad. I can still feel the impact my emotions had on changing the naivety of how I saw my dad the day I found out he wasn’t perfect. He was human and could make mistakes too. I think how I felt at that moment is interestingly similar to how I am feeling now. Crushed but not broken, disbelieving yet understanding, unavoidably knowing and still unchanging in my respect and adoration of the man. My mind drifts to the time I had major surgery and spent a week and a half in the hospital. Daddy came every morning as my husband left for work and he would read the Bible to me, walk the halls with me, watch TV with me and nap with me until my husband arrived after work in the evening. He would leave for the night but always return the next day. The entire time I was in the hospital he was by my side. Music was a common love between us and daddy sure love those old church hymns. We sang at church, at the ministry we worked for, and all our big family get-togethers were karaoke parties in reality! It became somewhat of a tradition. Daddy never held back when I asked for his opinion of a new song I was working on. Even when he knew my feelings could be hurt he was honest. He was just as honest when asked about my writings. I always wanted his opinion because I knew he would be truthful not sparing my feelings with sugar-coated confusing answers that never seemed to directly answer whether it was good or needed work. I have come to believe, that as a direct result of who my daddy was as head of the family and as a father to me, I more easily understood what the word of God meant in being adopted into God’s family thus gifted with the right to call God Abba, Father. Romans 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” I can imagine some girls having difficulty seeing Father God as dad if they either never had a dad around or if the didn’t have a gentle, loving dad in their lives. I can’t always say that I felt my dad was gentle and there we’re often battles while growing up. The thing is I can’t seem to remember very many bad times. Daddy gave me the tools to understand and have faith in a loving, merciful, gentle, patient, good and kind Father God just by being everything a dad is supposed to be for me. Over the years I have found myself praising God and thanking him repeatedly for blessing me with my dad. For quite a few years he would tell me that I was the one that would take over the Bible classes and Ministry part of the company we worked for once he was ready to retire. I always told him oh no, no, no I’m not a preacher, I’m not learned enough or skilled enough and I don’t know enough of the Bible. He refused to give up on me and he insisted that I come and sit in on his classes. He mentored me on how to teach, the kind of Heart one needs to effectively minister to people, all the responsibilities that we take on as we minister to people and that we must understand our duty to be accountable to them. I would watch daddy as he ministered to people, as he sat by their hospital beds, as he went out of his way to pick them up, drop them off, to assist them in any way he could, sometimes even staying the night at the facility they were staying at just so they would be comfortable. I don’t know how many times he was woken up in the middle of the night and in moments heading all the way to work because somebody needed something or their heater went out, etc. Daddy I’m going to miss you so much. This life, this world feels empty and I just don’t know how to live it without you. The superhero isn’t supposed to die. They may get battle scars and deep wounds but they heal and always come back. What happens when the superhero dies? When there’s no one there to protect and keep watch? What is going to happen to my world? I want to scream, cry, throw something, sleep, mostly I want to go to heaven too. Knowing daddy is in his Fathers Glory, pain free, sorrow free, resting in the peace and Love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, doesn’t make it so easy that the heartache eases. No not even a little. I am so happy for dad. I’m just selfishly sad for me. I’m in a dark- light existence now and I don’t know, will it last forever? This life is not appealing as everything now seems dull and bland. How do you tell your heart to say goodbye?
Daddy I know your in heaven,
and I know your finally at peace,
wish you could send a little,
peace down here to me,
daddy I feel all alone now,
I find it really hard to breathe,
dark light is all around me,
making it hard to see clearly,
daddy have you seen Jesus,
I bet He made you feel right at home,
I bet its warm there in God’s presence,
here everyday just seems so cold,
even though I miss you daddy,
I would never pray you back,
this fallen world can seem so heavy,
you had your fair share of that,
you ran your race fought the fight,
you sure held on with all your might,
drawing strength from the love that you have inside,
daddy I wish I could hold your hand again,
see your smile and hear you laughing,
oh what I would give to just hug you tight,
you finished your race,
now I have to finish mine,
daddy will you think of me some,
as you walk golden streets in heaven,
could you send some prayers my way,
that might help me make it through the day,
oh daddy what’s it like to sing,
with legion of angels accompanying,
I can almost hear the majesty,
daddy could you sing one for me

Mistake Blessings

Mistakes are building blocks of life, the blessing of grace and growth, not to be mistaken as a sign of incompetence or failure. The failure is the ones stagnant in growth, too afraid of making mistakes. — Proverbs 3:11-12 My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord Or loathe His reproof, For whom the Lord loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. — Job 5:17 “Behold, how happy is the man whom God reproves, So do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. Fear of making mistakes can manifest as cowardice and stagnant spiritual growth, also causing an unfulfilling life experience here on earth. The longer one walks in this fear the more cloudy their vision becomes of who God is and who they themselves are. The wrath of God becomes their justification for stagnation in spiritual growth and understanding, while the love of God becomes a distant dream that one day they hope to obtain. They live life riding the fence, never knowing their true potential, never understanding their true value and worth (aka the reason they themselves are the masterpiece that God put together on purpose that the world was lacking). The missing puzzle piece so to speak. We mustn’t teach our children not to make mistakes, we should teach them instead how to learn from the ones they do make. We shouldn’t raise them to fear being wrong or to hide their misunderstandings and questions about why the world works the way it does. Instead, we should instruct them who their creator is and how purposefully He knit then together. Show them how exciting it can be to live life as the adventure it was meant to be. Teaching them how to seek understanding and how to receive instruction gratefully. Allow them to experience the joy of getting it right, a job well done and the pain or disappointment of missing the Mark or not making the team. Mentor them that mistakes are not only necessary for growth but also certain to happen. Open their eyes and hearts to the instruction and counsel of Almighty God the Creator who knows the reason they are here, the purpose in which they were created. The God who knows what makes them his masterpiece. We shouldn’t instruct our children in how to get their ways, wants and desires by being demanding or entitled. Instead, instruct them how to be contented with their basic needs being met. We are all created on purpose and with a purpose. I picture father God looking over the Earth that he created and saying it is good, but it would be better with this someone. Then he knits that someone together to be born making a masterpiece within the masterpiece. No two people have ever been the exact same. We all have our uniqueness. We all have something in us that only we can offer the world. Each of us just one piece to be connected to the whole just like a puzzle. We were not put on Earth as adults. We all had to be born so that we could grow into our purpose by learning from our mistakes, by our asking questions, by our drawing closer to our creator with the acceptance of salvation through his son Jesus Christ, and by receiving his instruction that in effect is pruning and watering our faith. Father God blesses us with the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. — 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; — Hebrews 12:11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Another lie it seems has become the reality of society, the craftiness of the enemy has led so many of us to believe the making of mistakes is so bad we must avoid doing so at all cost and hide the ones we do make behind a closed door heavily guarded. We not only operate in this way of thinking we help it along by passing our own judgment upon our brothers and sisters in Christ even if only with a look of disappointment on our face in response to a mistake another has made. It’s no wonder why so many of us have such heavy burdens of regret upon our shoulders not understanding why we can’t seem to lay them down at the cross and leave them there. The enemy has made the way near impossible for Father God to break through in order to shape us, mold us, water us and enlighten us as we journey toward our true purpose. If we are so afraid of being wrong or making mistakes we will justify the ones we can, therefore, never seeking forgiveness or correction. And the big ones we may ask forgiveness for them in private, yet still hold the heavy burdens of guilt upon our shoulders, to afraid of releasing them and chancing someone finding out. — Hebrews 12:6-8 For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.” It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Praise God for His Merciful Agape Love for us. Love that the enemy cannot penetrate or conquer. Love that gently reveals truth to us, giving us the option of escaping the clutches of the enemies lies. — Proverbs 29:1 A man who hardens his neck after much reproof Will suddenly be broken beyond remedy. Now we know why the enemy goes to such extremes to deceive us about making mistakes. If we stay under his deception long enough we could find ourselves beyond remedy. The enemies ultimate goal becoming reality. — Proverbs 25:12 Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine Gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear. This is the way we should be understanding the making of mistakes. The inevitable truth is we will no doubt make mistakes. We can choose to consider the mistakes we make as some of God’s best blessings of grace. Then we can let go of the heavy burdens of fault and keep only the seed of truth planted by His Spirit into our understanding from each mistake made. Until next time may God bless you and keep you as you seek Him with your whole heart.

Hearts wax cold part 2

Part two
Jesus prayed in Luke 22:42-44 (amp) Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me: yet not my will, but always yours be done. And there appeared to Him an Angel from heaven, strengthening Him in spirit. And being in agony of mind, He prayed all the more earnestly and intently, and His sweat became like great clots of blood dropping down upon the ground.
So distressed at what He knew was to come, in knowing how much He would suffer to fulfill His purpose that He sweat blood.
I don’t believe Jesus actually felt like going through what He knew was coming; from the soldiers placing a crown of thorns upon His head and mocking Him, to their spitting on Him. From the flogging that tore most of His flesh from His bones to falling under the weight of the cross they made Him carry, then pushing through a hate filled mob of the very same people He was struggling to save. From the nails in His feet and hands as they hung Him on the cross meant to slowly cause His death through suffocation, to the soldiers casting lots for His clothes, gambling at His feet in boredom, waiting for Him to die so they could go home. From the ungrateful name calling and betrayal by those He was willfully and obediently suffering to save to the moment our sin separated Him for the first and last time in all eternity from His Father as all the wicked ugliness of our sin cut Him off from His very own Father just before He died completely and utterly alone.
All of this while also knowing the most painful and darkest time was still to come. A time that would most likely make everything He endured up to this point seem like a cake walk in comparison. Even the splintering wood from the cross tearing and scraping across exposed nerve endings from what little flesh remained upon His back while struggling to make it to the place they intended to carry out His undeserved execution, dulled in comparison to what torment awaited Him still.
From His arrest to the cross Jesus was brutally tortured and Tormented. Yet even all He went through during that time wouldn’t hold a candle to what He would go through from His death to His resurrection. Jesus also suffered in hell where the demons and Satan himself tormented Him unceasingly. Can you picture Satan, telling Him that He failed? Taunting Him saying, “just look around you Jesus, your in hell because your Father hates you. You failed Him and now you’re here for all eternity.” See all of Jesus life on Earth He was never separate from the Father. They were together always. So much so that when the woman who suffered 12 years from a bleeding disorder in Luke chapter 8 touched Jesus cloak, He felt the power go out of him.  Luke 8:45-46(amp) we read, “Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it and Peter said, “Master this whole crowd is pressing up against you.” but Jesus said, “someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” How close would you have to be with Father God everyday to know when a little bit of power leaves you? How in tuned to Father God He had been. Now in hell, He was cut off from His Father. Hell, a place void of all the attributes of God, hungrily awaits new tenants to invoke the worst suffering and pain upon with no hope of escape. Father God is not there for it’s the one place He did not create but chose to allow all those who rejected Him with their free will to create by their choosing existence without Him. James 1:17 (amp) tells us, whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow. Think for just a moment about good things, like the smell of fresh cut roses, the feel of a cool breeze on a hot summer day, a glass of ice cold water quenching your thirst, the warmth of the sun on your face, the majestic beauty of the mountains you see off in the distance. And then what about the good things we take for granted or we don’t notice because they’ve always just been, like the air we breathe, the way our body fights off diseases daily, how our legs carry us around and our minds can rationalize thoughts. Imagine a place void of all good things and then add to it Satan and demons who hate us with such passion being unrestrained from causing us the worst imaginable pain. Lastly once there, the knowing there is no escape and you cannot die. Jesus endured this place absent His Father to pay our debt so we don’t have to ever go there and so we never have to be apart from Father God because of our sin.
No, Jesus was not by any means looking forward to this impending suffering as He prayed there in the garden sweating drops of blood.
Jesus didn’t necessarily feel a want to do what He was about to do, He was called to do it by Father God in Heaven. Jesus knew Father God’s Will is all knowing and perfect with only our best interest in mind. He knew no matter how hard it may seem at the time, it would only be a season of pain and hurt sacrificed for an eternity in Paradise for all those He loves.
I can only imagine the Love Father God has for us knowing He had to endure the painful, deeply piercing plea for help from His one and only Son. The innocent, faithful, sinless Son in whom He was well pleased was crying out for any other way to be made known. I can almost depict tears silently falling from God’s face as He listened to His amazing, obedient, perfect son ask Him if there was any other way. What could be worse than having to watch your beloved son in agony because of His knowing the extent of suffering He would soon endure in order to fulfil his purpose. And the heartache in knowing you cannot help or He would fail at His own purpose.
No, He was obedient to Father God regardless of His fleshly feelings and no matter the suffering He had to endure in the flesh physically, emotionally or psychologically. He never questioned Father God’s understanding or ways. He willingly and obediently loved us without selfish hesitation and bore upon Himself the cost of all mankind’s evil hearts and sinfulness against Creator God.
Although He prayed, mentally and emotionally distressed, with sweat drops of blood, that this cup could be taken from him and he would not have to bear all the pain and suffering of the entire human race, He still did not choose to allow His own feelings or His rights as to the fact He was innocent and undeserving of the punishment to sway His decision of what God’s Will truly was.
No Jesus surrendered His emotional and mental stress about what He was about to endure to the Will of God. He loved us though we were undeserving so much so that He paid the price of our sinfulness for us without even a thought or possibility of us repaying Him for doing so.
Although repaying Him for what He has done for us is impossible, to be a true follower of Christ we are to echo His heart in how we treat others and how we surrender to the will of Father God in every aspect of our lives.
Romans 12:9-10(amp) Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, love is not what the world would have us believe. Love is what Jesus did. I have chosen to rebuke the “LIE” and believe the truth. Love is not what I feel, Love is what I do for others despite my feelings and despite what I think is fair. I choose to echo the Heart of Jesus and act in love while having faith that Father God will restore the hearts of myself and those in my sphere of influence to genuine Agape love.
Maybe God is calling you to do the same,
Until next time, may Father God bless you and keep you as you seek Him with all your heart.

Hearts wax cold part 1

Part one
Looking back, I confess being too busy to notice, to discern, to hold my thoughts captive against my knowledge of christ. The enemy disguised as light, fed me a lie. I barely gave it a few moments thought before accepting it as truth. I was fooled by his disguise and the fact that I wanted to believe this lie. I wanted it to be true and so I claimed it and it became a hidden weed rooted in my being. I believed his lie enough to dismiss any and all possibilities of Truth against it to enter my mind. See a lie that is purposefully and decidedly hidden is left to grow and devour goodness and truth within us without ever being noticed. Even if the ‘being devoured’ is noticed, the lie stays hidden. So the focus then becomes stop the pain and anguish inside, yet the attempts remain futile for the lie “root” remains hidden and intact.
Even as the evidence was mounting up unavoidably revealing the truth, I fought against it, tried to ignore it, spoke out against it and even rationalized its authenticity. The truth hurt and the lie was comfortable. The truth caused a humbling of heart and the lie fed my pride. The truth could hurt those I love and the lie would be well received rendering myself popularity and acceptance among those I love. The truth guaranteed struggle, hard work and would likely cause frustration while the lie allowed for me to stay rested, comfortable and safe from emotional distress.
I wanted to live a Christ centered life and I wanted to stay blind to the truth so I could bypass the pain of truth’s demand for change and growth within me. Well, no matter how convincing I could be trying to rationalize any truth from the devil’s subtle lie, the fact is truth prevailed. The absolute truth will make itself known. The only choice left for me to make is whether I would allow the truth to set me free or continue in bondage by choosing to stay blind to it.
Either way I was confronted with the truth written in,
Luke 12:52-53 (amp)For from now on one house there will be five divided (amongst themselves) three against two and two against three. They will be divided father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against Mother, Mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.
And Matthew 10:21 (amp)Brother will deliver up brother unto death and father his child; and children will take a stand against their parents and will have them put to death.
And Micah 7:5-6 (amp)Trust not in a neighbor, put no confidence in a friend, keep the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your bosom. For the son dishonors the father, the daughter rises up against her mother and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, a man’s enemies are the men members of his own house.
And finally, Matthew 24:10-12(amp) And then shall many be offended and shall betray one another and shall hate one another and many false prophets shall rise and shall deceive many and because iniquity shall abound the love of many shall wax cold.
The love of many shall wax cold!
Could it be?
Do these words now ring true even in my once so tight knit family? How long have I worn the Rose colored glasses? I wanted nothing more than to put them back on.
The truth is, so many of us speak the right words of love, loyalty, respect, family, etc. and at the same time conditions get thrown about like their terms of endearment.
The long and short of it is we need to understand, love cannot be earned it can only be freely given.
Counterfeit love can be bought, sold, weighed and measured. It can come and go with the slightest push or pull. Counterfeit love weighs on conditions and opinions with no set standard of measure. If love can be earned it is counterfeit.
True love is a gift of choice and works have no bearing on said choice.
Love although it can be felt, is not itself a feeling. Love is a willful act of service done for another’s benefit without any strings attached regardless of the giver’s personal feelings. Love willingly and eagerly seeks ways to be of service and then joyfully goes to work without complaint.
God never said love if, or love when, He said love.
It doesn’t matter if we like who we are serving out of love or how the one we serve has treated us. God didn’t say love so long as they too are loving or as long as they are Christians. God did not tell us to love only those who returned the favor and love us back. Also He didn’t tell us to love others whenever our own feelings and emotions agree or when we find ourselves in a good mood. And Lastly He never said it’s ok to hideaway in an effort to avoid the chance of failure because of our own moods or anxieties or illnesses that may be aiding in our lack of patience, goodness, kindness, self control, gentleness, joy, peace, faithfulness and love either.
No,…… Father God added no conditions at all.
Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:44-48(amp) But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, to show that you are the children of your father who is in heaven: for he makes his sunrise on the wicked and on the good, and makes the rainfall upon the upright and the wrong doers alike. For if you love those who love you, what reward can you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? And if you greet only your brethren, what more than others are you doing? Do not even the gentiles (the heathen) do that? You, therefore must be perfect (growing into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character, having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity,) as your heavenly father is perfect.
If we hide from life and the possibility of any troubles that may arise we are only shutting ourselves off from lessons meant to aid in the building of our character and we miss the pruning and watering meant to help us bear fruit.
It’s not the feeling God is asking us to obtain. It is our obedience in spite of what we do or do not feel that He is asking. We are meant to have faith, believing that He (GOD) is true and just. We’re also to have faith in the knowledge that He loves us and always has our best interest in mind. This faith will allow us to live obedient to Him even when we know our flesh is weak and can only fail.
Stay tuned for part two of Hearts wax cold.
Until next time may God bless you and keep you as you seek him with all your heart.